Movie Review: The Knight Before Christmas – 14 Points

The Knight Before Christmas is about a knight (Duh) Sir Cole who gets sent forward in time, and west in space from Norwich in 1334 to Ohio in 2019. He meets our heroine Brooke and they get to know one another in the few days before Christmas while he tries to work out what his quest to become a “true knight” means.

 

Norwich has a Castle, looks nothing like that.

How does one even catch a hawk?

Teacher and student talking boys!? Very weird.

Was that even a pep talk!? Is hugging appropriate!?

Aha, a witch, that’ll do it. That witch looks like a pantomime dame. 

What the fuck even!?! Lol “old crone”

Aha, and now she’s Mrs  Santa. Of course.

What is that child even eating!?!?

Why did only one of that guys kids get to see Santa!?!?

This kid is both too old for Santa and too young to know about relationship problems.

What, why is she not Mrs Santa any More!?

Delicious mead o_o

NOT AUTHENTIC AT ALL

Shut up Brooke, you buy and raise the damn puppy then.

I’m sorry didn’t you check the weather for your location.

Why was the policeman there with his sirens if he was going to help Brooke.

The maguffin! Don’t lose it.

Circle, lulz. Did no one think of that.

Ah good, score 1 on dead parents. You know we like those on this blog.

A school teacher has a guest house!?!? Only in the movies. 

The fact that he doesn’t crack up with every lime clearly means he deserves an Oscar.

Who are those most neighbours!?!?

Ah, her parents used to live there and now she still does. And where does her sister live!?

How big is this fucking guest house!? Or is this the regular house!?

I’ve been teaching long enough to know a good Apple when I see one… why don’t you know a bad one.

Two houses but no food in the house!? I mean sure, don’t eat skunk, but why does she have nothing in the house. I know enough teachers to know they don’t have that kind of money.

Oh dear, wench.

Oh no, this is gonna get awkward. Hah scoundrel!

Those logs are not even remotely burnt…

Haha Netflix advertising its own movies again

Five leather armchairs in her first house!?! What did her parents do??

AND SO MANY GLASSES!?!?!?!

Double movie advert

Why is that whole town red.

“Awesome threads”!?!?! 

Oh my god, too much tv for him.

Christmas chores!? When did he get changed back into that shirt and why? Did they spend the WHOLE day on the sofa. The actual whole day.

This dream sequence is so weird. I can’t believe he clutched his sword.

And now it’s the next day. What!?!?!?

Double dead parents. And she got the house because she lived there I assume.

And she starts with Mr Gingersnaps!?!??! Heartwarming indeed.

Did she do that for both sisters and Brooke is just talking about herself.

Is his accent intentionally slipping as per watching too much Netflix or is he just shit. Also, circle.

Do they seriously grow the christmas trees in the centre of that place. That’s dumb.

Oh no, oh no, do not let him drive your car. Silly girl.

Oh dear… stop calling that woman old crone. 

Did they hire this guy because he looks a bit of a wet blanket and that makes him British!?

Aha, we understand what this nonsense about his quest is.

Why is she not mad about him abandoning her car.

Lol at the tower of London bit.

IS THAT THE ACORN FROM CHRISTMAS PRINCE!?!?!?!??!

She’s a cute kid.

OH NO! Her decorations. Why is he back in that damn shirt.

Ah, the lovely nosy neighbour. What a creep. Hah “ain’t no lady”

Awww, what a sweetie. But he needs to stop talking American. Pretending to be busy because he knows Allison is sum bitch. Good lad.

Oh noooooo, those poor kids. What happened to their mum, why is their dad so sad.

Oh he’s so sad. Poor man.

Don’t just leave a sword in the ground!

What the fuck was that face he was pulling putting the hot chocolate in the trolley.

Is he just eating loads of bread. Oh he’s gonna make bread. That’s fun.

I guess her sister didn’t mind Brooke getting the house because her own is so massive.

No, the renaissance was much later! 

Oh no Claire! Ahhh and now this is why we have a man who tracks hawks. I mean, why would they even come this way. Kids are dumb.

Oh they got lost. Poor babies. 

Awww Cole. Well done. Good shout with the snail thing. Although her “I’m scared” was not that scared… But never mind.

Wait does David only have the one kid, who were those other kids near him at Santa or playing with Claire.

Who is this!?? Ah, Madison’s husband. One assumes anyway.

Oh my god yes chasing a kid with a sword. Hahaha shall we let him keep his hands.

“Single handedly catching a thief” he ran about fifty feet…

So much bread good Lord!! What the fuck is That!? 

Ah, his wife died and all those kids are his. 

Ahahahaha slimed by a toad.

Seriously their whole town is red.

Hahaha that’s cute, old dude up and dancing.

Lol Evan. He’s so excitable.

Awww David and his kids.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Ugh Allison. Skeeeez. Oh, but not totally skeezy. That’s probably because no one can be fully terrible in this town.

Huzzah!

He opened his heart and fell for her and fulfilled his quest which he will never be able to actually complete because he leaves. Think this through you silly knight.

EPIC SMOKE MACHINE

Oh boy this is too much to lay on a teenager.

What is this song!?!?

It’s so basic.

Oooh she got the bean. I mean, if he can tome travel by magic, why not wish on a bean.

It’s such a pretty horse. They’re such a pair of wet blankets. Cole forgot which side of his body was his heart there…

So he’s just running off into the woods.

THAT IS NOT A PUPPY THAT IS NOT A DOG

WHAT IS IT!?!?!  

I am sad that there wasn’t more Evan in this movie.

THAT was handy that she was just loitering by that exact same tree.

So is she a witch, Mrs Santa, or the vicar of dibley…

That dog is dumb. Get that dog a jumper.

IT’S COLE AND HE BROUGHT HIS HORSE XD

Yay, all is well.

Open a bakery, go on, do that. 

Challenge gender norms!

So that was cheesy but easy watching. It mostly scores 13 points because I award up to five for “absurdity of the situation that brought them together” and I think ‘travelled in time and space’ is a full damn five. I appreciate there was no Tragic Misunderstanding (which you know I hate), no actual interaction with the ex which I thought there would be. No..conflict at all really, just niceness. And that’s nice. But a bit sugary. But nice.

Also, very ethnically diverse cast with multiple mixed race families. Which I apparently gave a bonus point for in the Princess Switch so I’ll do that here too.

Love,

Salixa

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